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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Locked & Lifted

Everyone has a spirit that can be refined, a body that can be trained in some manner, a suitable path to follow. You are here to realize your inner divinity and manifest your innate enlightenment.
Morihei Ueshiba

Ignorance has always been the weapon of tyrants; enlightenment the salvation of the free.
Bill Richardson

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.
Lao Tzu

The real meaning of enlightenment is to gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness.
Nikos Kazantzakis

Borrowing knowledge of reality from all sources, taking the best from every study, Science of Mind brings together the highest enlightenment of the ages.
Ernest Holmes

Locked & Lifted

My locks are NOT a hairstyle but MY LIFESTYLE. On my path to enlightenment I have realized two things...I am destined to be me and knowing me enables me to see truth. Those two concepts seem to elude most people. One because lots of people fail to look beyond their mirror to see themselves in spirit and in truth and two because its easier to point the finger at others than to accept responsibility for ourselves.

I have been "Natural" for the better part of 10 years and upon transitioning into my locks I didn't let my relaxer grow out. I woke up one day and said Im going to lock my hair and by the time I went to bed that night I had the freshest baby locks that looked weird on me and smelled like jolly ranchers lol (don't ask). Never the less I had embarked on a journey having no idea what I was getting myself into. I can remember coming home when my family and friends first saw my new baby locks and their reactions; my mother foremost I can remember being like "what the hell did you to your hair?" lol her next statement was "I don't know why you would do that." And honestly at the time neither did I. That first set of locks I now know was preparation for a journey that would soon come.

So in the beginning my answer was I like the hairstyle. To me at the time it was more but I didn't know how to convey it and frankly thought folks would deem me mad. I felt drawn and compelled by the look of locks. Today I look back and the true inner me was trying to prepare the outer me for her emergence. That wouldn't be easy as its not for most people. Most people are not ready to believe that their front man isn't who they really are. At the time I was a heavily doctrinated christian. (Yes I know I'm making up words but its what I do and I doubt it will change so just run with it thats what I do lol) I was in church more than I was home spent many years reading the bible and suffered terrible intolerance to others (as lots of christians do).

My significant other at the time was Haitian and knowing and loving him helped to open my eyes to several things: the first of those things was smoking a lot of weed but more importantly know thyself love thyself & be true to thyself. In theory everyone has the concept of those three things down pact but more often than not have no idea how to put those concepts into practice. This is evident by the way we allow people to treat us, especially in relationships. To allow your self to be abused at someone else's hand while you forgive it and subject yourself to more abuse is this loving thyself? I think not. I wasn't at a point of knowing loving or being true to myself so there were lots of things done to me with my consent that proved how much I didn't love me.

I fell victim to many moments of deceit and manipulation not just at the hands of my S/O but family members loved ones & friends. I was always in a perpetual state of identity crisis. I spent years involved in activities that I would have never considered while trying to decipher who I really am and in those early years of this transformation that was a difficult feat. I had been exposed to so many different spirits from my lack of discipline when it came to who and what I allowed in my inner circle that those spirits absorbed the core essence of me. And now she was making her way back to the surface.

This started with healing forgiving and becoming open to hear and see. Its the equivalent to Neo's choice to take the red pill over the blue pill in the matrix. I use this reference a lot because in my journey I have found that its a great allegory for the type of change I went through. So here we are transitioning from relaxers to locks over night. Not knowing or understanding that as my hair was transitioning so was my spirit. I spent years being overly concerned with what others thought of me trying to readjust myself to fit their idea of who they wanted me to be or who they thought I should be. Never comfortable in my own skin, truly afraid of not being accepted by those I loved because I was so different.

After my second year locked my spiritual mother (whom I love and miss dearly cant wait to see her) asked me what was I trying to identify with by having these locks. Honestly I didn't have an answer and because at the time I was so contrary and didn't want anybody telling me what to do I just said Im not trying to identify with anything I just like the way it looks. Now I know your wondering what this has to do with anything but Im trying to set precedence of who I was so you can appreciate who I am and my journey to get here.

The year I turned 30 marks the beginning of my journey. In April just days before my 30th birthday I called my sister and said Im cutting them off. Now my sister immediately said wait for me to get there Im on my way. When she walked into my apt she found me in my bathroom near hysteria. I had begun to cut my locks off and started in the front of my head so i couldn't change my mind. Brilliant idea right? lol. She calmed me (any my 10 year old daughter who was also near hysteria) down and finished the whack job I had begun on my locks. Years of patience and determination fell to the floor as she cut my hair leaving me with a shiny new mini afro. A few weeks later me and the S/O broke up. Not because of my hair but for other reasons.

My reason for cutting off those perfectly good locks was because I wanted a fresh beginning for my 30's. My relationship was passionately tumultuous and the negative energy I somehow felt was in my hair. I say that because we dated from before I locked my hair so all that arguing and fighting and anger and passion was intermingled in my locks. Trust me when I say at the time I didn't understand it as I do now but I knew I had to get those locks off my head. And cutting them helped me to eventually let go of the S/O and move on.

The period of my life when I wore an afro was dark. I nearly committed suicide. I was an emotional mess. No longer married to the church really questioning if GOD was real. I hated life myself and everything in it. Then one day about six months into my darkness I started growing my locks back. Its funny that getting a relaxer NEVER occurred to me. And almost one year to the date of me getting my locks back my mother passed away. So again the locks came off. This time when I cut them it was in mourning. The bible speaks about how when Job mourned the loss of his family he shaved his head. So cutting my locks was symbolic of my mourning process. It also ushered into place a new aspect of me. At my mother's funeral I did my first spoken word piece that I had written to her. I still have that piece in a box have not looked at it or read it since.

During those nine months after my mother passed I came into the realization that I was finally ready to introduce the world to me. So thats what I did. I had restarted my locks and was making a little name for myself so to speak in the online poetic community. My ideas about life love happiness religion politics friendships & family began to change. I noticed myself allowing the more militant and opinionated part of me be seen a lot more. I saw myself adhering to standards of life that were not widely accepted anymore, and not caring how others felt. I had finally begun to grow with my locks. And then I found my soulmate. which is truly something to be said in any situation. And I once again began a metamorphosis. Becoming this woman that I am now. Who sees beyond my eyes. I began researching locks and found that in ancient times only the orthodox scholars wore locks. It was revered as a sign of spiritual maturity and a closeness with GOD while later on becoming a symbol of being feared and Rastafarianism people have been wearing locks since the dawn of time it didn't start in jamaica with Bob Marley as people might assume.

As my locks grow so does my mind heart and spirit. I have found that the spiritual maturity of my locks reflects itself in peace understanding and enlightenment. I am learning that growth is the one constant in my life. Growth...ponder what that word signifies and means. Honestly while typing this and I typed that word it stunned me a moment. It is most powerful. Growth means an increase in some quantity over time. If i may go off an a tangent for a moment I promise to bring it full circle. All things that live is a sign of life itself. When a thing stops growing it dies. Even in the intangible if ones faith ceases to increase one experiences a spiritual death. If the economic flow ceases to increase it fails or dies. GROWTH is the gage by which we determine life, and not just for corporeal things. Wow I just grew. lol My first spoken word CD was entitled Growth and I chose it because I wanted to show how much I had grown and changed but now right this instant I became aware of its meaning on a much deeper spiritual level.

My locks NOW represent the growth of my enlightenment and my becoming. My locks represent peace healing love spirituality they represent LIFE. They are the direct manifestation of my own spiritual growth. Each years growth is signified by the growth I make spiritually. I had a tremendous growth spurt in my spiritual life over the last few months and in kind my locks had a similar growth spurt. I always thought my locks reflected me but I see now that I reflect them. My locks are freedom, so I have freedom in my spirit. I can experience true happiness and peace and joy because my locks provide the freedom to so. My mind provides the discipline to challenge my spiritual self and my spiritual self Rises to the occasion.

Life is hard darkness comes but it does not consume me nor can it steal my joy....

Im locked and lifted.
you are loved

p.s. I love you MY King

1 comment:

  1. This is well spoken..well thought and very honest..which is somthing most could not ever even IMAGINE.. as most can to many of us is not a "STYLE"...and well for those that it is..thats their path..however it is important to know and understand that to many it is quite sacred and must be treated with musg respect and care...I have been natural nearly 22 years and locd for 14..I am all too awatre that everyone must walk their own steps..carve their own place ya know..but sigh..alas..I am a damn hippie liberal...I do understand and appreciate this very personal write...and I thank u from the bottom of my heart...Namaste..Epiphany