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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Omen

I have been living in Ohio for about 4 years and while living here has had its ups and downs its good and bad I had felt for awhile it was time to move on. Now for months I have been procrastinating because honestly I had gotten very comfortable in my life here in Ohio complacent is more like it. I know that things happen for a reason and destiny has a way of getting its own way so with that said a series of events put me on the fast track to moving to NC. I was initially trying to move to Charlotte. I have family there and when i was there last I loved it, but again destiny has a way of getting its own way. So since I've been on the fast track to moving it has been very discouraging to me. I have had all kinds of issues problems and concerns. Which left me feeling very defeated. It seemed that every time there was a ray of hope dark clouds swarmed in to douse that hope. Until finally I had just given up and resolved that I may have to just stay in Ohio and live under a bridge somewhere. Someone very dear to my heart told me Sunday evening (as we were returning from a sports bar watching my 49ers squander that game) "You are due for a blessing real soon" when I asked how do you know he replied "I can feel it". Needless to say his optimism fell on deaf ears. I said to myself "people always say that when there is no other answer" but I let him revile in the revelation he felt and I wallowed in the defeat that had over come me. Monday started pretty slow for me nothing unusual or out of the ordinary. At about 11ish the phone rings and I got the information that the money I had been waiting on had been held up due to the fact that they had not received all the paper work they needed. This started the day to look a little better. With in twenty minutes they had the paperwork they needed and had explained I should be receiving the money any day. This put a new bounce in my step and I said "ok this was a blessing" and my friends words came back to me. While I was appreciating the prospect of getting the money I had been waiting on I still wasnt Happy go lucky... My grandson was cranky so i put him to sleep and well I put us to sleep lol and I was awakened by the phone ringing. Not sure why but I felt a sudden urge to call these places I had found to give one more stab at procuring an address. I left several messages then laid down again. At around 8:30 pm I got a call back from a gentleman about a house. This gentleman was a god send. He opened up a door for me and my family giving us a physical address under some circumstances that are more than unbelievable. No credit check No application fee No background check....I explained to him that we were relocating and He basically said to me I will send you the lease and the keys and you can break your deposit up into installments since ur making such a huge transition. This is not normal protocol for renting. I had spoken to several places in Charlotte and they were all hesitant and said when you get to Charlotte come by and we will show you the property. Forget the fact that I have a family of 5 to include two infants. So I now have a home to take my family to when we move. Although the house is in Greensboro and not Charlotte I am happy. Now I have explained this situation because lets face it Im renting a house that I have only seen pictures of and this is very risky. So of course I am aware of the possibility of scams. While I got nothing but positive vibes from the man grandma used to say that "everything that glitters aint gold and everything shinning aint diamonds". So I went to sleep with a peaceful hesitance about the situation. I dont remember much of what I was dreaming about before Steve appeared to me but he did (Steve passed away in January...I loved him very much he was a dear friend and I miss his presence tremendously) Steve came to me and told me it was ok to go this was good and everything was going to work out and I would finally be happy the way I deserved. I have always believed that our loved ones spirits were with us once they pass but this was more than me channelling steve, I felt his presence like he was here next to me. I woke up and called his name. When I woke up there was no hesitance just peace and a smile on my face. Steve had told me once that I was wasting away in this town and I didnt belong here it was too small for me. He comforted me tonight and even while I type this I still feel him close. Close enough to want to reach out and touch him. Now at 6:44 am I am wide awake for no to do and no where to go just wide awake because Steve is here with me comforting and confirming that everything is going to be alright. He told me the money I needed was going to come the move would be good I would be happy and that he loved me. What better Omen can one get?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Locked & Lifted

Everyone has a spirit that can be refined, a body that can be trained in some manner, a suitable path to follow. You are here to realize your inner divinity and manifest your innate enlightenment.
Morihei Ueshiba

Ignorance has always been the weapon of tyrants; enlightenment the salvation of the free.
Bill Richardson

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.
Lao Tzu

The real meaning of enlightenment is to gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness.
Nikos Kazantzakis

Borrowing knowledge of reality from all sources, taking the best from every study, Science of Mind brings together the highest enlightenment of the ages.
Ernest Holmes

Locked & Lifted

My locks are NOT a hairstyle but MY LIFESTYLE. On my path to enlightenment I have realized two things...I am destined to be me and knowing me enables me to see truth. Those two concepts seem to elude most people. One because lots of people fail to look beyond their mirror to see themselves in spirit and in truth and two because its easier to point the finger at others than to accept responsibility for ourselves.

I have been "Natural" for the better part of 10 years and upon transitioning into my locks I didn't let my relaxer grow out. I woke up one day and said Im going to lock my hair and by the time I went to bed that night I had the freshest baby locks that looked weird on me and smelled like jolly ranchers lol (don't ask). Never the less I had embarked on a journey having no idea what I was getting myself into. I can remember coming home when my family and friends first saw my new baby locks and their reactions; my mother foremost I can remember being like "what the hell did you to your hair?" lol her next statement was "I don't know why you would do that." And honestly at the time neither did I. That first set of locks I now know was preparation for a journey that would soon come.

So in the beginning my answer was I like the hairstyle. To me at the time it was more but I didn't know how to convey it and frankly thought folks would deem me mad. I felt drawn and compelled by the look of locks. Today I look back and the true inner me was trying to prepare the outer me for her emergence. That wouldn't be easy as its not for most people. Most people are not ready to believe that their front man isn't who they really are. At the time I was a heavily doctrinated christian. (Yes I know I'm making up words but its what I do and I doubt it will change so just run with it thats what I do lol) I was in church more than I was home spent many years reading the bible and suffered terrible intolerance to others (as lots of christians do).

My significant other at the time was Haitian and knowing and loving him helped to open my eyes to several things: the first of those things was smoking a lot of weed but more importantly know thyself love thyself & be true to thyself. In theory everyone has the concept of those three things down pact but more often than not have no idea how to put those concepts into practice. This is evident by the way we allow people to treat us, especially in relationships. To allow your self to be abused at someone else's hand while you forgive it and subject yourself to more abuse is this loving thyself? I think not. I wasn't at a point of knowing loving or being true to myself so there were lots of things done to me with my consent that proved how much I didn't love me.

I fell victim to many moments of deceit and manipulation not just at the hands of my S/O but family members loved ones & friends. I was always in a perpetual state of identity crisis. I spent years involved in activities that I would have never considered while trying to decipher who I really am and in those early years of this transformation that was a difficult feat. I had been exposed to so many different spirits from my lack of discipline when it came to who and what I allowed in my inner circle that those spirits absorbed the core essence of me. And now she was making her way back to the surface.

This started with healing forgiving and becoming open to hear and see. Its the equivalent to Neo's choice to take the red pill over the blue pill in the matrix. I use this reference a lot because in my journey I have found that its a great allegory for the type of change I went through. So here we are transitioning from relaxers to locks over night. Not knowing or understanding that as my hair was transitioning so was my spirit. I spent years being overly concerned with what others thought of me trying to readjust myself to fit their idea of who they wanted me to be or who they thought I should be. Never comfortable in my own skin, truly afraid of not being accepted by those I loved because I was so different.

After my second year locked my spiritual mother (whom I love and miss dearly cant wait to see her) asked me what was I trying to identify with by having these locks. Honestly I didn't have an answer and because at the time I was so contrary and didn't want anybody telling me what to do I just said Im not trying to identify with anything I just like the way it looks. Now I know your wondering what this has to do with anything but Im trying to set precedence of who I was so you can appreciate who I am and my journey to get here.

The year I turned 30 marks the beginning of my journey. In April just days before my 30th birthday I called my sister and said Im cutting them off. Now my sister immediately said wait for me to get there Im on my way. When she walked into my apt she found me in my bathroom near hysteria. I had begun to cut my locks off and started in the front of my head so i couldn't change my mind. Brilliant idea right? lol. She calmed me (any my 10 year old daughter who was also near hysteria) down and finished the whack job I had begun on my locks. Years of patience and determination fell to the floor as she cut my hair leaving me with a shiny new mini afro. A few weeks later me and the S/O broke up. Not because of my hair but for other reasons.

My reason for cutting off those perfectly good locks was because I wanted a fresh beginning for my 30's. My relationship was passionately tumultuous and the negative energy I somehow felt was in my hair. I say that because we dated from before I locked my hair so all that arguing and fighting and anger and passion was intermingled in my locks. Trust me when I say at the time I didn't understand it as I do now but I knew I had to get those locks off my head. And cutting them helped me to eventually let go of the S/O and move on.

The period of my life when I wore an afro was dark. I nearly committed suicide. I was an emotional mess. No longer married to the church really questioning if GOD was real. I hated life myself and everything in it. Then one day about six months into my darkness I started growing my locks back. Its funny that getting a relaxer NEVER occurred to me. And almost one year to the date of me getting my locks back my mother passed away. So again the locks came off. This time when I cut them it was in mourning. The bible speaks about how when Job mourned the loss of his family he shaved his head. So cutting my locks was symbolic of my mourning process. It also ushered into place a new aspect of me. At my mother's funeral I did my first spoken word piece that I had written to her. I still have that piece in a box have not looked at it or read it since.

During those nine months after my mother passed I came into the realization that I was finally ready to introduce the world to me. So thats what I did. I had restarted my locks and was making a little name for myself so to speak in the online poetic community. My ideas about life love happiness religion politics friendships & family began to change. I noticed myself allowing the more militant and opinionated part of me be seen a lot more. I saw myself adhering to standards of life that were not widely accepted anymore, and not caring how others felt. I had finally begun to grow with my locks. And then I found my soulmate. which is truly something to be said in any situation. And I once again began a metamorphosis. Becoming this woman that I am now. Who sees beyond my eyes. I began researching locks and found that in ancient times only the orthodox scholars wore locks. It was revered as a sign of spiritual maturity and a closeness with GOD while later on becoming a symbol of being feared and Rastafarianism people have been wearing locks since the dawn of time it didn't start in jamaica with Bob Marley as people might assume.

As my locks grow so does my mind heart and spirit. I have found that the spiritual maturity of my locks reflects itself in peace understanding and enlightenment. I am learning that growth is the one constant in my life. Growth...ponder what that word signifies and means. Honestly while typing this and I typed that word it stunned me a moment. It is most powerful. Growth means an increase in some quantity over time. If i may go off an a tangent for a moment I promise to bring it full circle. All things that live is a sign of life itself. When a thing stops growing it dies. Even in the intangible if ones faith ceases to increase one experiences a spiritual death. If the economic flow ceases to increase it fails or dies. GROWTH is the gage by which we determine life, and not just for corporeal things. Wow I just grew. lol My first spoken word CD was entitled Growth and I chose it because I wanted to show how much I had grown and changed but now right this instant I became aware of its meaning on a much deeper spiritual level.

My locks NOW represent the growth of my enlightenment and my becoming. My locks represent peace healing love spirituality they represent LIFE. They are the direct manifestation of my own spiritual growth. Each years growth is signified by the growth I make spiritually. I had a tremendous growth spurt in my spiritual life over the last few months and in kind my locks had a similar growth spurt. I always thought my locks reflected me but I see now that I reflect them. My locks are freedom, so I have freedom in my spirit. I can experience true happiness and peace and joy because my locks provide the freedom to so. My mind provides the discipline to challenge my spiritual self and my spiritual self Rises to the occasion.

Life is hard darkness comes but it does not consume me nor can it steal my joy....

Im locked and lifted.
you are loved

p.s. I love you MY King

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kill It Before It Dies

Today is August 1, 2011 and Ramadan has begun. For those that are not familiar with Ramadan it is a time of fasting in the Islamic faith. If you want particulars then I would ask that you visit Over the last few months I have been in search of spiritual enlightenment and peace. While I have achieved a great magnitude of peace and comfort on this journey I am expecting the culmination of my observation of Ramadan to catapult me into a new stratosphere of spiritual existence.

I know people in this virtual world seem to think Im in happy heaven over here and I have no problems but that could be farther from the truth. I feel compelled to inform you that I have had to face so many problems and lows and extreme lows over the last six months. And there were times when I thought the weight of it all would suffocate me. There were moments when I felt God hated me but I have not once wished for death. I danced with suicide for a long time. Becoming well versed in its steps. Know the feeling beyond what any rational person should know. See no matter how bad things get or how low we may feel there is always a spiritual high that comes into play.

I am sure that many will say I dont know what Im talking about but baby trust and believe me when I say I might not know your situation but believe I know what its like to be so low you become one with the dust. I have been raped & molested I have buried both parents and a son, was in an abusive relationship, buried my significant other two of them, married young divorced left to raise two daughters, with no help or support, i have had lights turned off water turned off been homeless working demeaning low paying jobs just to be able to eat from day to day, i have had to choose between lights and food, know what struggle and depression feel like very well, and now most recently just became the a grandmother and Im only 35 to a beautiful Nadiya and handsome Nasir (not twins lol) all this to say pain happens.

No one person has the patent on hurt pain depression or struggle. It is something we all face in life and its how we deal with that struggle that determines the strength of our character and spirit. We must either search for spiritual peace and inner freedom or we shall be rittled with agony of the spirit. We must be mindful of those we allow close to us as their spirits do rub off. When we intermingle with those who have negative energy we have invited that negative energy to mingle with our own. This is supremely important in sex. We must understand the spiritual ramifications of sex or we shall never be able to break free from our sex driven mindsets and behaviors.

First lets just get this out of the way most people dont believe it BUT lust is a spirit. And those who are aware of how to discern things spiritually know that if there is enough exposure to the spirit of lust then lust will then breed. Which is why every aspect of advertising is geared toward lust of some sort. Lust is NOT just sexual in nature. But for this instance we are talking about sex. They use sex to sell us every thing, doritos snickers beer cigarettes cars medication eye ware etc. Just about any product that is marketable. They use sex in our music videos video games magazine ads tv shows movies etc. The list goes on and on. The point is there is a transference of spiritual energy during sex. This is especially toxic if you are a woman and having unprotected sex. On top of the many sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancies you (as a woman) have just received this man's semen which carries his life essence.

Whatever negative energies that man has when he emits into you now are yours. You carry his negative spirits & any positive ones. But not just his, every woman he has every slept with has left her residue on him and you get apart of it, and vice versa. This is why we shouldnt jump from one relationship to the next. Transference of spirits and we wonder why we are basket cases or schizophrenic. For those that have not taken the time to purge their essence from past relationships they are walking around with bits and pieces of countless people. Are you following me yet?

The reason so many of us are prone to depression and helpless pity filled attitudes when life happens as it does consistently is because the truth of our person is hidden beneath the many layers of others from our many sexual encounters. This is why I believe being a virgin when one wed was so important. It allowed both parties to remain pure no excess spiritual connections or attachments to others. And with out those attachments a man and woman can truly get to know each other. Not the many spirits they have picked up along the way. These spirits that dont belong to us can be just as toxic as nuclear missiles.

Have us walking around feeling depressed and ready to die when there is so much life yet to live. Questioning our own sanity due to what society believes is right. Instead of doing what is RIGHTEOUS we are walking living thinking loving marrying existing beneath our potential. All because we lack the discipline to be with out sex. Or at least have the fortitude to recognize evil demonic spirits when you come across them before you lay with them. Dont get me wrong I have missed a few in my life that were just down right no good. But after a great purging and cleansing I am free of those spirits.

During that time in life I found it hard to focus. I was so scattered always angry ready to kill or die. Hated myself my children my family just believed life would be better if I were dead. When I began a cleansing that lasted a couple of years. After that I have realized that those spirits had me confused about who I was/am. They clouded my own image of me. Blurred the truth so I couldnt see the real me.

We must not allow our hearts minds souls and spirits to be weakened and taken over by spirits. I am not saying that we all need to observe Ramadan but what I am saying is we all need a moment to seek spiritual guidance cleansing healing overstanding completion & freedom in whatever manner we seek it. We must free ourselves from that which holds us in bondage and once again walk among the garden freely.

The Universe gives us back what we put into it....I have seen so much anger hate and hurt that it scares me when I think of how we have allowed ourselves to sink so low as a people. We have lost the essence of who we are. If we dont begin that spiritual journey back to ourselves we will not only lose ourselves but die....So we must Kill it before we die.

Although I am not Islamic I am observing Ramadan. If you would like to join me on a spiritual journey and have never observed Ramadan before please feel free to contact me at

Sunday, June 19, 2011


As Father's Day comes in I am reminded once again of my own father, a great man that was the greatest example of love to me. After 11 years the sting of his absence still haunts me every day. So I would be remiss if I didn't start this blog by paying homage to my own father; So I say thank you daddy for all that you were & still are in my life I love you. 

I have seen on this virtual world many posts saying "Happy Fathers day to all the real fathers" and the like and that makes me wonder what makes one a "real" father? I know many will say those that are actively involved in their child's life. I submit that being a real father isn't always about being active. I thought being a good father was about putting your child's need before your own. Under that assessment I would say that any man that knows he isn't ready to be a father so he steps aside and allows someone who is to father his child is an excellent example of a father.

I say this because thats exactly what my father did. He stood aside during the time that he was not emotionally or financially capable of being effective as a father allowing me to have another father figure. When he felt he was stable enough to give me what I  needed he repositioned himself in my life, not forcibly but very gently allowing us to have a great relationship.

He wasn't always in a position to provide for me financially but he always let me know if I needed him he would be there and until his passing he held true to that fact. Why do we not say "Happy Mother's Day to the real mother's" not all mothers do their job (effective or ineffective). Not all women who have children are mother's yet we don't take the time to distinguish between "real" mothers but we make it a point to point out a man's short comings. I know personally there are lots of men that would love to be father's but the child's mother prevent it in many ways. 

More often than not men who want to be in their children's lives are blocked by bitter vindictive women who make it their mission to smear that father every chance they get. Not really telling truths about why that father isn't around, which is usually because they are being small and petty. I have come to realize that men are considered dead beats due to financial responsibility. Im not saying that men shouldn't be financially responsible but what I am saying is it takes more than a check to raise a child. If you tell a man all he is worth in his child's life is as a check then don't call him a dead beat or demean his character when you wont even allow him to see the child unless his child support payments are regular. These types of situations cause more damage to the children than the father's.

Then there are those who hide children from father's while collecting support. This is as despicable an action as any I have come across. I think we need to take our feelings about a man's status as a father and reevaluate it. Father's are just what their title implies... Father's.  Who are we to determine what makes a man a father? Especially when we don't apply the same standard to mother's. I wrote a poem for my father....It is called I Am My Father's Child....enjoy

I Am My Father's Child by Lyrical~Toye (c) 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

I am my fathers child
Not because the mirror reflects him 
not because my dna acknowledges him to 99.99%
Not because I carry his name and lineage
I am my fathers child 
Cuz he spoke life into me 
Breathed the breath of trust in me 
See my father was a rolling stone 
Or at least he was rolling stoned 
Or so the story goes 
They told me he never let the grass
Grow under his feet 
At least until the day he met me 
I was his reincarnation in flesh
That he was able to witness 
To touch hold mold and watch grow
So he patted my head 
And gave me hugs and kisses 
Validated me as a person and a woman not just his child 
So when his face reflects in my mirror
I cant help but smile
He kissed my boo-boos when I scrapped my knee
See I remember Sundays with my dad 
Eating hot dogs watching football games 
He taught me to love the Lakers 
Hate the Cowboys 
But respect talent
Through his flaws and demons that plagued him 
he taught me the true worth of a man
Held my hand through the worst times in my life
But see it was his words that held me 
From adolescence to adult hood
He smiled at me with pride in his eyes
And I can honestly say my father never told me a lie 
I am my fathers child 
Not because he payed monetary child support 
But because he gave me emotional support and stability 
I Trusted his wisdom 
Whenever he spoke to me 
He was my best friend and my greatest supporter
It wasn’t his sperm that made me his daughter 
It was his heart 
Bigger than the world is round 
So when I see him reflected in my mirror 
I just smile 
His nose, his eyes and his mothers cheeks
His spirit, his heart were passed on to me 
I am the reincarnation of him that he lived to behold
I am my fathers child 
Not because he gave me the best of everything 
But because he gave me the best of him 
And guess what I'm spoiled rotten
Because He said thats how I should be
In his life there was nothing more important than me 
He taught me self worth and to be a woman of integrity
That no man’s love can trump a fathers Love 
I was truly daddy’s little girl
I still am
Tho he rest in heaven I can proudly say
I am my fathers child

Happy Father's Day