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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Purple Diamonds & Broken Pearls

How can you just leave me standing?
Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)
Why do we scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When doves cryDream if you can a courtyard An Ocean of violets in bloom Animals strike curious poses They fell the heat the heat between me and you

Who would have thought when the new year came in that we would be saying farewell to one of the most Iconic figures in Music. No one could have prepared themselves for Prince to take his final bow. Yet the morning of April 21 2016 that's exactly what happened. No event that has happened this century rocked my world the way this one did. It wasn't just that his death was sudden and unexpected but Prince, in my mind, was Immortal. No need to ever worry about shedding a tear for him because he would outlive everyone. I imagined the end of the world and Prince with his guitar having never aged a minute would be playing 1999 as a super nova exploded and destroyed all that was left of earth. Even then he would rise above the chaos and ascend to whatever galaxy would hold life next.

I can't imagine anyone would have thought that their day would begin by saying goodbye to him. He was pivotal in life, music, love, sex and humanity. How could the universe handle such a loss? How could the universe re-balance itself after such a loss? Surely it would never test those waters so Prince would live forever. Unfortunately the universe did test those waters and we are left to wonder WHY? HOW? How can we live in a world where there is no Prince? How can we survive now with no one to speak our language? No one to champion our cause? No one to believe in our authentic self? HOW UNIVERSE? HOW?

How am I supposed to grasp the concept that my friend Prince Nelson will no longer provide the soundtrack of my life? That Hit N Run Phase Two will be the last album Prince would release? No more monumental performances, no more soul grabbing music, no more doves crying...just silence. So now all I am left with is purple diamonds and broken pearls.

Needless to say you have seen thousands of tributes to and about Prince over the last few days, as news of his passing continues to rock social media and the world. Everyone experienced Prince their own way so of course those of us who loved him would take to the proverbial pen to express our grief, anger and disbelief. There are several rants that simply serve the purpose of ranting; while others are putting non Prince enthusiast, who don’t understand our grief, in their places. There is the heartfelt unloading of all that Prince means to them in the hopes that others will eventually understand why this is such a devastating loss. Trying to explain to people why we take his passing so personal. Several scenarios come to mind but let me just say this; I remember the exact moment I found out Maurice White, Whitney, Michael Jackson, & Tupac passed away. There are moments you will never forget. I will never forget the moment when those despicable words that Prince had died grazed my ears. It was as if the sheer will to breath had been knocked out of me.

Prince Rogers Nelson was an innovator of a different kind. He didn’t just make great music that was before its time; he was more than an iconic musician; he was the epitome of showmanship, musicianship, creativity, inspiration and hard work. Prince was the platform for uniqueness, self awareness and self love. He showed those of us who weren't that “normal” was overrated and it was okay to just be whomever you wanted to be. He showed us that we could create what felt good to us. We didn’t have to be drones, clones and cookie cutter molds. We could create what was us and not apologize for it.

In the awkward days and years of my growing up, Prince was to me what Richard Pryor or Redd Foxx was to comedians. I would sneak my mothers albums and listen. She caught me once listening to “Jack U Off”. Needless to say she kept a closer eye on her “Controversy” album after that. It was too late tho I had been bitten by the strange androgynous figure who called himself Prince. At first thought I remember saying Prince suited him as a name. He looked mysterious like you would imagine a Prince would. Then I realized that Prince was a fitting name for other reasons. He was Regality. He had just the right touch of everything to make you say yeah HE IS PRINCE.
So here is my attempt to explain the inexplicable. Prince passing away for me is losing my friend. A friend who seemed to know me better than I knew myself. A friend that understood the place I was in and was able to articulate my feelings for me, while giving me a soundtrack of great music and advice. It doesn’t matter that Prince Nelson and I never met it was the spiritual vibrations of his music that connected to me and bonded me to him and his music. I believe that he knew that people felt that way about his music which is why it was so important that the "feeling" be authentic. So no I was not a Prince fan; I am a friend of Prince.

He spoke to me in so many ways through so many chords, riffs and baselines as well as lyrics. Crystal Ball is one of my favorite albums ever, its inexplicable what that album is. Dream Factory, So Dark, Crystal Ball (track), Sexual Suicide & Goodbye are just a few of my favorites off that album. The beginning of Crystal Ball makes you feel like you are on a 60’s acid trip the guitar riffs are insane but nevertheless the scope of his music is transcendent.  He was able to accomplish things musically that had never been attempted or accomplished and to date have not been paralleled.

My first heartbreak was set to the tune of So Dark. It was like he reached inside my heart and wrote this song. “Inside Looking Out my window….. I don’t see nothing but rain…. Sun up in the sky just a shinin… still Im lost in my shadow of pain….Like an innocent man that’s on death row….I don’t understand what made you go….and wanna leave me baby….leave me in the dark….can you tell me, tell me?” These were the words that scored my first break up, my first tears over a man and relationship. But how could Prince have known I needed them? Well because he was my friend he knew me and I knew him and he penned this song to help me express my pain.

So the morning that I found out he had passed away it was a crushing blow to my emotional state. I can’t explain how deeply profoundly my heart broke. I found myself faced with the realization for the first time that I would have to find a way to live in a world with no Prince Nelson. Something that I have no concept of. I was born in 1976 so Prince has been making professional music my entire life. From the time I could form a sentence Prince was forming chords. So when I was old enough to understand music Prince was one of the first whose music influenced me.

Do Me Baby and I wanna Be your Lover lined my childhood like newspapers and the 1999 (album) was the soundtrack to my adolescence. Little Red Corvette, Delirious, Free & Lady Cab Driver are among the songs that drove my secret Prince obsession. At a time when my mother didn’t allow me to listen to sexually suggestive music and an R rating on a movie meant that I couldn’t watch it. I found peace and solace between the funky riffs and intricate balance between notes in Princes’ music. He made melodies dance in a way that was impeccably creative.

Free was one of those songs that I inhaled deeply despite my pain and the lyrics are what allowed me to survive the pain that I carried everyday. “Don't sleep 'til the sunrise, listen 2 the falling rain…..Don't worry 'bout tomorrow, don't worry 'bout your pain…..Don't cry unless you're happy, don't smile unless you're blue….Never let that lonely monster take control of U” without those words I would have been lost. Free helped me find a core center to focus on when my sadness was overrunning my life. He spoke those words for me to give me hope to give me peace “Be glad that U r free….Free 2 change your mind…..Free 2 go most anywhere, anytime…..Be glad that U r free….” and despite the world on my shoulders I was free & Prince reminded me of that.

Then it happened Purple Rain came out and I learned that doves cry. The movie, which was used to showcase his music in my opinion was nothing short of brilliant. You can’t watch Purple Rain and not appreciate the complexity with which Prince told a true story. The story line about people not digging his music was absolutely true. Until Purple Rain his albums had not received the support and understanding that it deserved. So his showing the struggle to be accepted for his musical genius was brilliant, not to mention he showcased other talent that he wrote and produced for i.e. The Time  &  Apollonia 6 also highlighting Jill Jones which lets just be honest she is absolutely amazing. Purple Rain is when I learned to love and appreciate the color Purple. Its been my favorite color ever since. When Doves Cry, The Beautiful Ones, Computer Blue, Let’s Go Crazy, I Would Die 4 U and of course Purple Rain…actually you can’t even talk about Purple Rain the album without mentioning Take Me with U, Baby Im a star and Darling Nikki. The entire album is just classic for no reason.

When Doves Cry my second favorite song off of the Purple Rain Album “Dig if you will the picture….of you and I engaged in a kiss…..the sweat of your body covers me….can you my darling….can you picture this…..” I learned about lust and desire, but not just sexual desire the desire to have something inexplicably real and satisfying and whole. When Doves Cry showed me that sometimes we expect too much of love sometimes we need to  just “dream if you can a courtyard….an ocean of violets in bloom….animals strike curious poses….they feel the heat…..the heat between me and you….” Imagine what love could be and strive for it in the warmth and beauty of our own heat.

The infamous Love Triangle is what brought The Beautiful Ones to life. It is my favorite song from Purple Rain. Its that one song that is so beautiful and gentle yet powerful. Unlike Purple Rain Beautiful Ones spoke to a certain vulnerability putting yourself out there like hey “do you want him or do you want me cuz I want you” The possibility of rejection lingering in the air as an unanswered question. Luckily in the movie the question doesn’t go unanswered for long but in real life its not always a happy ending. “If I told you baby…That I was in love with you….Oh baby, baby, baby…..If we got married…..Would that be cool?…..You make me so confused…..The beautiful ones…..You always seem to lose” Prince knew this too, I think that's why he wrote this song to emphasis to me that sometimes you are just gonna lose, but not without putting forth my best plea for their love.

I inhaled Prince; took in every stroke of his genius. I allowed his essence to reverb within my chakras. He resonated deeply in the recesses of my soul like no other artist has ever been able to do. I did not just appreciate his music I drank it in like fresh air. I found that I didn’t need to know much about his personal life long as I had his music because with his music I knew him. He poured his soul into his music every bar, every refrain, every stanza was another piece of him. He showed us his true self within bars and hooks and bridges.

Diamonds and Pearls is probably my most favorite album of all 39. Thunder, Cream, Get Off, Push, Insatiable, and Diamonds & Pearls my goodness they just take me to a place. In 1991 I was in a different place I remember that album helping me cope with life after a failed suicide attempt. It seemed like Thunder was a story from my diary. “Thunder-all thru the night….Promise to see Jesus in the morning light…..Take my hand, it’ll be alright c’mon save your soul tonight……Love-nobody know just how it was born…..Love- first came to me with the radio on….jumped up in my body with an attitude…..kissed me on the mouth and said your leader take me to.” What a profound thought. He spoke of something beautiful and spiritual and it was calming and inspiring.

Diamonds and Pearls was the song that I listened to the most. It was Prince’s ode to me that no matter what he would always be there. He would always write, play, sing for me. He knew that his love of music was the key to keeping himself honest. So He promised me that he would always be honest and he would never stray. “This will be the day….that you will hear me say….that I will never run away…..Am I the weaker man…..because I understand…..that love must be the master plan.” The beautiful nature of this song spoke to the longing I needed to have something real, something tangible. He gave it to me “If I gave you diamonds and pearls….would you be a happy boy or a girl….If I could I would give you the world…..All I can do is just offer you my love” He offered me his love and I accepted. I am forever grateful for that album and think I will always be.

Prince was not just a music Icon; he was my friend and anytime you lose a friend grieving is expected. I grieve Prince in sincerity and truth. Not the way someone grieves a celebrity but in the way someone grieves a person they were truly connected to. He touched and changed my life. I will never forget the mark that Prince Nelson left on my life he taught me it was okay to be myself to be different and unique but most importantly it was okay to love that uniqueness about myself.

So in the words of my dearly departed Friend: Dearly beloved We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life Electric word life It means forever and that's a mighty long time But I'm here to tell you There's something else The after world A world of never ending happiness You can always see the sun, day or night—Let’s Go Crazy Prince Nelson


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Moral Fiber

In light of the recent NFL draft I find myself once again sitting in front of the computer filled with an outrage that even words can't express. I don't by any means consider myself a moral authority as I know I have my share of short comings and less than "moral" actions in my life. So let's start at the beginning: one of the definitions of moral is holding high standards for one's conduct. Now with that being said my first question is What is the measuring stick for universal morality? The Bible? Your conscience? Religion? Society?

How can ONE standard apply to all people when all people don't have the same standards? If I am not a christian how can the christian standard apply to my life? The same holds true for any religion any sect any society. If all people don't hold the same or even similar standard how can there only be one standard? I argue that a persons conscience determines morality and on a grand scale the conscience of humanity should dictate the moral standard of all people.

The next question is does humanity have a conscience? In my opinion all humanity has a conscience which unfortunately is hidden behind religion. Now don't misunderstand I have no qualms with people having faith believing in GOD practicing a "religion" or NOT, I believe that who a person worships is none of my business. Which brings us to the point who someone loves is not my business either, nor is it anyone else's.

As americans we exercise certain freedoms and liberties at our discretion. For Instance homosexuality is eroding the moral fiber of our country but racism isn't. Freedom of speech is only free when people are saying what you want to hear. The masses voluntarily give up their freedoms for faux political presence. In order for us to practice democracy that means that I may not agree with your statement but understand that you have the right to say it. Just like I have the right to oppose you on any level, and while we may disagree it doesn't mean either one of us has more right to say what we feel.

I watched a movie once (set in like the 20's) and a person was going on trial for being a communist. It was obviously a complete misunderstanding and this gentleman was freaking out about it when a young lawyer said to him that our constitution gives him every legal right to be a communist if he so chooses. Now this is not verbatim but you get my point. The laws and principles that this country was founded on are not just important when your rights are being infringed upon. Martin Luther King Jr. said in a letter from his Birmingham cell "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" How unjust is it that justice truth and fairness only apply when they are aligned with the views of any religion sect group or individual.

I do not believe that homosexual rights is a civil rights issue I believe it is a human rights issue. It is our very humanity that is at stake which in my opinion is much more dangerous than the so called "moral fiber of our country". If we lose our humanity we are nothing more than animals. We will become artificial life forms.

Please understand that I respect all  human rights. The ability for a person to live their lives based on their own personal moral meter is the right of every human. Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness are the inalienable rights of every citizen of this country and that is not conditional on who a person sleeps with at night. I have no opinion and pass no judgement on homosexuals male or female who they choose to love or not love is none of my business. In all honesty it doesn't affect my life in anyway. Whatever my religious spiritual personal beliefs about homosexuality FOR ME it doesn't negate the fact that they should be allowed to live their lives with the same freedoms and basic human rights that we all live with. No one should be denied a job based simply on sexual orientation.

Michael Sam who in my opinion deserves every right to pursue a career path doing something he is obviously gifted at doing, and right winged extremist are now trying to impede his success simply because he is openly homosexual. How does this appeal to the moral meter within you? Does that seem right? Forget what his job is, should anyone be denied a career based simply on the fact that they love someone you don't approve of?

Since when does society get to dictate what relationships are acceptable? OH YEAH I REMEMBER It used to be illegal for blacks and whites to be in a relationship despite the fact that the people who created society very openly slept with and some even loved the very thing they openly disparaged. It is my firm belief that when two consenting adults enter a relationship the dynamics, the right and wrong of it, the morality is strictly judged between them and GOD, and if they don't believe in GOD well hell its still between them and GOD.

FURTHER MORE, Jack Burkman it is NOT illegal to be homosexual but prostitution is most certainly illegal. How can one who so obviously ignores his own moral voice cast stones about the moral fiber eroding? I find that Christians do not understand the message of Jesus fully nor do they understand his ministry. I am not in anyway trying to bash Christians but if you believe in Jesus then you should know that Jesus was hated and executed by the Religious figures of the time based on the fact that not only did he call himself Son Of God but he kept unsavory company (tax collectors, whores, thieves etc).

My issue with Jack Burkman and everyone and anyone who supports and think like him is that  the very bible they read (and lack understanding) says in 1 Corinthians 2:11 " For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of GOD except the Spirit of GOD". You cant see a persons heart, thoughts or relationship with GOD so how then can you judge it. Although the bible is said to be the inspired word of GOD it was NOT actually written by GOD....and because no one who believes in GOD that is alive today was there when these various books prophecies letters and historical religious accounts happened we don't know how or if any of it was tampered with to fit the common views of the ruling authorities of the time. Religion has always been used as a tool to control the majority with the value systems those in charge determined were the standard.

Jesus was a shinning example of love light mercy tenderness power faith and forgiveness. Since "Christians" are supposed to be "Christ Like" or "like Christ" why do they ignore the second greatest commandment "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (matthew 22:39)

I offer my sincerest congratulations to Michael Sam and his family loved ones and partner.

I offer in kind some friendly advice to every one who feels its their job to impose their "moral" precepts on others:
1Judge not, that ye be not judged. with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: 2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 7:1-2)

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
A system of morality which is based on relative emotional values is a mere illusion, a thoroughly vulgar conception which has nothing sound in it and nothing true.

Fear is the mother of morality.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Omen

I have been living in Ohio for about 4 years and while living here has had its ups and downs its good and bad I had felt for awhile it was time to move on. Now for months I have been procrastinating because honestly I had gotten very comfortable in my life here in Ohio complacent is more like it. I know that things happen for a reason and destiny has a way of getting its own way so with that said a series of events put me on the fast track to moving to NC. I was initially trying to move to Charlotte. I have family there and when i was there last I loved it, but again destiny has a way of getting its own way. So since I've been on the fast track to moving it has been very discouraging to me. I have had all kinds of issues problems and concerns. Which left me feeling very defeated. It seemed that every time there was a ray of hope dark clouds swarmed in to douse that hope. Until finally I had just given up and resolved that I may have to just stay in Ohio and live under a bridge somewhere. Someone very dear to my heart told me Sunday evening (as we were returning from a sports bar watching my 49ers squander that game) "You are due for a blessing real soon" when I asked how do you know he replied "I can feel it". Needless to say his optimism fell on deaf ears. I said to myself "people always say that when there is no other answer" but I let him revile in the revelation he felt and I wallowed in the defeat that had over come me. Monday started pretty slow for me nothing unusual or out of the ordinary. At about 11ish the phone rings and I got the information that the money I had been waiting on had been held up due to the fact that they had not received all the paper work they needed. This started the day to look a little better. With in twenty minutes they had the paperwork they needed and had explained I should be receiving the money any day. This put a new bounce in my step and I said "ok this was a blessing" and my friends words came back to me. While I was appreciating the prospect of getting the money I had been waiting on I still wasnt Happy go lucky... My grandson was cranky so i put him to sleep and well I put us to sleep lol and I was awakened by the phone ringing. Not sure why but I felt a sudden urge to call these places I had found to give one more stab at procuring an address. I left several messages then laid down again. At around 8:30 pm I got a call back from a gentleman about a house. This gentleman was a god send. He opened up a door for me and my family giving us a physical address under some circumstances that are more than unbelievable. No credit check No application fee No background check....I explained to him that we were relocating and He basically said to me I will send you the lease and the keys and you can break your deposit up into installments since ur making such a huge transition. This is not normal protocol for renting. I had spoken to several places in Charlotte and they were all hesitant and said when you get to Charlotte come by and we will show you the property. Forget the fact that I have a family of 5 to include two infants. So I now have a home to take my family to when we move. Although the house is in Greensboro and not Charlotte I am happy. Now I have explained this situation because lets face it Im renting a house that I have only seen pictures of and this is very risky. So of course I am aware of the possibility of scams. While I got nothing but positive vibes from the man grandma used to say that "everything that glitters aint gold and everything shinning aint diamonds". So I went to sleep with a peaceful hesitance about the situation. I dont remember much of what I was dreaming about before Steve appeared to me but he did (Steve passed away in January...I loved him very much he was a dear friend and I miss his presence tremendously) Steve came to me and told me it was ok to go this was good and everything was going to work out and I would finally be happy the way I deserved. I have always believed that our loved ones spirits were with us once they pass but this was more than me channelling steve, I felt his presence like he was here next to me. I woke up and called his name. When I woke up there was no hesitance just peace and a smile on my face. Steve had told me once that I was wasting away in this town and I didnt belong here it was too small for me. He comforted me tonight and even while I type this I still feel him close. Close enough to want to reach out and touch him. Now at 6:44 am I am wide awake for no to do and no where to go just wide awake because Steve is here with me comforting and confirming that everything is going to be alright. He told me the money I needed was going to come the move would be good I would be happy and that he loved me. What better Omen can one get?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Locked & Lifted

Everyone has a spirit that can be refined, a body that can be trained in some manner, a suitable path to follow. You are here to realize your inner divinity and manifest your innate enlightenment.
Morihei Ueshiba

Ignorance has always been the weapon of tyrants; enlightenment the salvation of the free.
Bill Richardson

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.
Lao Tzu

The real meaning of enlightenment is to gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness.
Nikos Kazantzakis

Borrowing knowledge of reality from all sources, taking the best from every study, Science of Mind brings together the highest enlightenment of the ages.
Ernest Holmes

Locked & Lifted

My locks are NOT a hairstyle but MY LIFESTYLE. On my path to enlightenment I have realized two things...I am destined to be me and knowing me enables me to see truth. Those two concepts seem to elude most people. One because lots of people fail to look beyond their mirror to see themselves in spirit and in truth and two because its easier to point the finger at others than to accept responsibility for ourselves.

I have been "Natural" for the better part of 10 years and upon transitioning into my locks I didn't let my relaxer grow out. I woke up one day and said Im going to lock my hair and by the time I went to bed that night I had the freshest baby locks that looked weird on me and smelled like jolly ranchers lol (don't ask). Never the less I had embarked on a journey having no idea what I was getting myself into. I can remember coming home when my family and friends first saw my new baby locks and their reactions; my mother foremost I can remember being like "what the hell did you to your hair?" lol her next statement was "I don't know why you would do that." And honestly at the time neither did I. That first set of locks I now know was preparation for a journey that would soon come.

So in the beginning my answer was I like the hairstyle. To me at the time it was more but I didn't know how to convey it and frankly thought folks would deem me mad. I felt drawn and compelled by the look of locks. Today I look back and the true inner me was trying to prepare the outer me for her emergence. That wouldn't be easy as its not for most people. Most people are not ready to believe that their front man isn't who they really are. At the time I was a heavily doctrinated christian. (Yes I know I'm making up words but its what I do and I doubt it will change so just run with it thats what I do lol) I was in church more than I was home spent many years reading the bible and suffered terrible intolerance to others (as lots of christians do).

My significant other at the time was Haitian and knowing and loving him helped to open my eyes to several things: the first of those things was smoking a lot of weed but more importantly know thyself love thyself & be true to thyself. In theory everyone has the concept of those three things down pact but more often than not have no idea how to put those concepts into practice. This is evident by the way we allow people to treat us, especially in relationships. To allow your self to be abused at someone else's hand while you forgive it and subject yourself to more abuse is this loving thyself? I think not. I wasn't at a point of knowing loving or being true to myself so there were lots of things done to me with my consent that proved how much I didn't love me.

I fell victim to many moments of deceit and manipulation not just at the hands of my S/O but family members loved ones & friends. I was always in a perpetual state of identity crisis. I spent years involved in activities that I would have never considered while trying to decipher who I really am and in those early years of this transformation that was a difficult feat. I had been exposed to so many different spirits from my lack of discipline when it came to who and what I allowed in my inner circle that those spirits absorbed the core essence of me. And now she was making her way back to the surface.

This started with healing forgiving and becoming open to hear and see. Its the equivalent to Neo's choice to take the red pill over the blue pill in the matrix. I use this reference a lot because in my journey I have found that its a great allegory for the type of change I went through. So here we are transitioning from relaxers to locks over night. Not knowing or understanding that as my hair was transitioning so was my spirit. I spent years being overly concerned with what others thought of me trying to readjust myself to fit their idea of who they wanted me to be or who they thought I should be. Never comfortable in my own skin, truly afraid of not being accepted by those I loved because I was so different.

After my second year locked my spiritual mother (whom I love and miss dearly cant wait to see her) asked me what was I trying to identify with by having these locks. Honestly I didn't have an answer and because at the time I was so contrary and didn't want anybody telling me what to do I just said Im not trying to identify with anything I just like the way it looks. Now I know your wondering what this has to do with anything but Im trying to set precedence of who I was so you can appreciate who I am and my journey to get here.

The year I turned 30 marks the beginning of my journey. In April just days before my 30th birthday I called my sister and said Im cutting them off. Now my sister immediately said wait for me to get there Im on my way. When she walked into my apt she found me in my bathroom near hysteria. I had begun to cut my locks off and started in the front of my head so i couldn't change my mind. Brilliant idea right? lol. She calmed me (any my 10 year old daughter who was also near hysteria) down and finished the whack job I had begun on my locks. Years of patience and determination fell to the floor as she cut my hair leaving me with a shiny new mini afro. A few weeks later me and the S/O broke up. Not because of my hair but for other reasons.

My reason for cutting off those perfectly good locks was because I wanted a fresh beginning for my 30's. My relationship was passionately tumultuous and the negative energy I somehow felt was in my hair. I say that because we dated from before I locked my hair so all that arguing and fighting and anger and passion was intermingled in my locks. Trust me when I say at the time I didn't understand it as I do now but I knew I had to get those locks off my head. And cutting them helped me to eventually let go of the S/O and move on.

The period of my life when I wore an afro was dark. I nearly committed suicide. I was an emotional mess. No longer married to the church really questioning if GOD was real. I hated life myself and everything in it. Then one day about six months into my darkness I started growing my locks back. Its funny that getting a relaxer NEVER occurred to me. And almost one year to the date of me getting my locks back my mother passed away. So again the locks came off. This time when I cut them it was in mourning. The bible speaks about how when Job mourned the loss of his family he shaved his head. So cutting my locks was symbolic of my mourning process. It also ushered into place a new aspect of me. At my mother's funeral I did my first spoken word piece that I had written to her. I still have that piece in a box have not looked at it or read it since.

During those nine months after my mother passed I came into the realization that I was finally ready to introduce the world to me. So thats what I did. I had restarted my locks and was making a little name for myself so to speak in the online poetic community. My ideas about life love happiness religion politics friendships & family began to change. I noticed myself allowing the more militant and opinionated part of me be seen a lot more. I saw myself adhering to standards of life that were not widely accepted anymore, and not caring how others felt. I had finally begun to grow with my locks. And then I found my soulmate. which is truly something to be said in any situation. And I once again began a metamorphosis. Becoming this woman that I am now. Who sees beyond my eyes. I began researching locks and found that in ancient times only the orthodox scholars wore locks. It was revered as a sign of spiritual maturity and a closeness with GOD while later on becoming a symbol of being feared and Rastafarianism people have been wearing locks since the dawn of time it didn't start in jamaica with Bob Marley as people might assume.

As my locks grow so does my mind heart and spirit. I have found that the spiritual maturity of my locks reflects itself in peace understanding and enlightenment. I am learning that growth is the one constant in my life. Growth...ponder what that word signifies and means. Honestly while typing this and I typed that word it stunned me a moment. It is most powerful. Growth means an increase in some quantity over time. If i may go off an a tangent for a moment I promise to bring it full circle. All things that live is a sign of life itself. When a thing stops growing it dies. Even in the intangible if ones faith ceases to increase one experiences a spiritual death. If the economic flow ceases to increase it fails or dies. GROWTH is the gage by which we determine life, and not just for corporeal things. Wow I just grew. lol My first spoken word CD was entitled Growth and I chose it because I wanted to show how much I had grown and changed but now right this instant I became aware of its meaning on a much deeper spiritual level.

My locks NOW represent the growth of my enlightenment and my becoming. My locks represent peace healing love spirituality they represent LIFE. They are the direct manifestation of my own spiritual growth. Each years growth is signified by the growth I make spiritually. I had a tremendous growth spurt in my spiritual life over the last few months and in kind my locks had a similar growth spurt. I always thought my locks reflected me but I see now that I reflect them. My locks are freedom, so I have freedom in my spirit. I can experience true happiness and peace and joy because my locks provide the freedom to so. My mind provides the discipline to challenge my spiritual self and my spiritual self Rises to the occasion.

Life is hard darkness comes but it does not consume me nor can it steal my joy....

Im locked and lifted.
you are loved

p.s. I love you MY King

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kill It Before It Dies

Today is August 1, 2011 and Ramadan has begun. For those that are not familiar with Ramadan it is a time of fasting in the Islamic faith. If you want particulars then I would ask that you visit Over the last few months I have been in search of spiritual enlightenment and peace. While I have achieved a great magnitude of peace and comfort on this journey I am expecting the culmination of my observation of Ramadan to catapult me into a new stratosphere of spiritual existence.

I know people in this virtual world seem to think Im in happy heaven over here and I have no problems but that could be farther from the truth. I feel compelled to inform you that I have had to face so many problems and lows and extreme lows over the last six months. And there were times when I thought the weight of it all would suffocate me. There were moments when I felt God hated me but I have not once wished for death. I danced with suicide for a long time. Becoming well versed in its steps. Know the feeling beyond what any rational person should know. See no matter how bad things get or how low we may feel there is always a spiritual high that comes into play.

I am sure that many will say I dont know what Im talking about but baby trust and believe me when I say I might not know your situation but believe I know what its like to be so low you become one with the dust. I have been raped & molested I have buried both parents and a son, was in an abusive relationship, buried my significant other two of them, married young divorced left to raise two daughters, with no help or support, i have had lights turned off water turned off been homeless working demeaning low paying jobs just to be able to eat from day to day, i have had to choose between lights and food, know what struggle and depression feel like very well, and now most recently just became the a grandmother and Im only 35 to a beautiful Nadiya and handsome Nasir (not twins lol) all this to say pain happens.

No one person has the patent on hurt pain depression or struggle. It is something we all face in life and its how we deal with that struggle that determines the strength of our character and spirit. We must either search for spiritual peace and inner freedom or we shall be rittled with agony of the spirit. We must be mindful of those we allow close to us as their spirits do rub off. When we intermingle with those who have negative energy we have invited that negative energy to mingle with our own. This is supremely important in sex. We must understand the spiritual ramifications of sex or we shall never be able to break free from our sex driven mindsets and behaviors.

First lets just get this out of the way most people dont believe it BUT lust is a spirit. And those who are aware of how to discern things spiritually know that if there is enough exposure to the spirit of lust then lust will then breed. Which is why every aspect of advertising is geared toward lust of some sort. Lust is NOT just sexual in nature. But for this instance we are talking about sex. They use sex to sell us every thing, doritos snickers beer cigarettes cars medication eye ware etc. Just about any product that is marketable. They use sex in our music videos video games magazine ads tv shows movies etc. The list goes on and on. The point is there is a transference of spiritual energy during sex. This is especially toxic if you are a woman and having unprotected sex. On top of the many sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancies you (as a woman) have just received this man's semen which carries his life essence.

Whatever negative energies that man has when he emits into you now are yours. You carry his negative spirits & any positive ones. But not just his, every woman he has every slept with has left her residue on him and you get apart of it, and vice versa. This is why we shouldnt jump from one relationship to the next. Transference of spirits and we wonder why we are basket cases or schizophrenic. For those that have not taken the time to purge their essence from past relationships they are walking around with bits and pieces of countless people. Are you following me yet?

The reason so many of us are prone to depression and helpless pity filled attitudes when life happens as it does consistently is because the truth of our person is hidden beneath the many layers of others from our many sexual encounters. This is why I believe being a virgin when one wed was so important. It allowed both parties to remain pure no excess spiritual connections or attachments to others. And with out those attachments a man and woman can truly get to know each other. Not the many spirits they have picked up along the way. These spirits that dont belong to us can be just as toxic as nuclear missiles.

Have us walking around feeling depressed and ready to die when there is so much life yet to live. Questioning our own sanity due to what society believes is right. Instead of doing what is RIGHTEOUS we are walking living thinking loving marrying existing beneath our potential. All because we lack the discipline to be with out sex. Or at least have the fortitude to recognize evil demonic spirits when you come across them before you lay with them. Dont get me wrong I have missed a few in my life that were just down right no good. But after a great purging and cleansing I am free of those spirits.

During that time in life I found it hard to focus. I was so scattered always angry ready to kill or die. Hated myself my children my family just believed life would be better if I were dead. When I began a cleansing that lasted a couple of years. After that I have realized that those spirits had me confused about who I was/am. They clouded my own image of me. Blurred the truth so I couldnt see the real me.

We must not allow our hearts minds souls and spirits to be weakened and taken over by spirits. I am not saying that we all need to observe Ramadan but what I am saying is we all need a moment to seek spiritual guidance cleansing healing overstanding completion & freedom in whatever manner we seek it. We must free ourselves from that which holds us in bondage and once again walk among the garden freely.

The Universe gives us back what we put into it....I have seen so much anger hate and hurt that it scares me when I think of how we have allowed ourselves to sink so low as a people. We have lost the essence of who we are. If we dont begin that spiritual journey back to ourselves we will not only lose ourselves but die....So we must Kill it before we die.

Although I am not Islamic I am observing Ramadan. If you would like to join me on a spiritual journey and have never observed Ramadan before please feel free to contact me at

Sunday, June 19, 2011


As Father's Day comes in I am reminded once again of my own father, a great man that was the greatest example of love to me. After 11 years the sting of his absence still haunts me every day. So I would be remiss if I didn't start this blog by paying homage to my own father; So I say thank you daddy for all that you were & still are in my life I love you. 

I have seen on this virtual world many posts saying "Happy Fathers day to all the real fathers" and the like and that makes me wonder what makes one a "real" father? I know many will say those that are actively involved in their child's life. I submit that being a real father isn't always about being active. I thought being a good father was about putting your child's need before your own. Under that assessment I would say that any man that knows he isn't ready to be a father so he steps aside and allows someone who is to father his child is an excellent example of a father.

I say this because thats exactly what my father did. He stood aside during the time that he was not emotionally or financially capable of being effective as a father allowing me to have another father figure. When he felt he was stable enough to give me what I  needed he repositioned himself in my life, not forcibly but very gently allowing us to have a great relationship.

He wasn't always in a position to provide for me financially but he always let me know if I needed him he would be there and until his passing he held true to that fact. Why do we not say "Happy Mother's Day to the real mother's" not all mothers do their job (effective or ineffective). Not all women who have children are mother's yet we don't take the time to distinguish between "real" mothers but we make it a point to point out a man's short comings. I know personally there are lots of men that would love to be father's but the child's mother prevent it in many ways. 

More often than not men who want to be in their children's lives are blocked by bitter vindictive women who make it their mission to smear that father every chance they get. Not really telling truths about why that father isn't around, which is usually because they are being small and petty. I have come to realize that men are considered dead beats due to financial responsibility. Im not saying that men shouldn't be financially responsible but what I am saying is it takes more than a check to raise a child. If you tell a man all he is worth in his child's life is as a check then don't call him a dead beat or demean his character when you wont even allow him to see the child unless his child support payments are regular. These types of situations cause more damage to the children than the father's.

Then there are those who hide children from father's while collecting support. This is as despicable an action as any I have come across. I think we need to take our feelings about a man's status as a father and reevaluate it. Father's are just what their title implies... Father's.  Who are we to determine what makes a man a father? Especially when we don't apply the same standard to mother's. I wrote a poem for my father....It is called I Am My Father's Child....enjoy

I Am My Father's Child by Lyrical~Toye (c) 2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

I am my fathers child
Not because the mirror reflects him 
not because my dna acknowledges him to 99.99%
Not because I carry his name and lineage
I am my fathers child 
Cuz he spoke life into me 
Breathed the breath of trust in me 
See my father was a rolling stone 
Or at least he was rolling stoned 
Or so the story goes 
They told me he never let the grass
Grow under his feet 
At least until the day he met me 
I was his reincarnation in flesh
That he was able to witness 
To touch hold mold and watch grow
So he patted my head 
And gave me hugs and kisses 
Validated me as a person and a woman not just his child 
So when his face reflects in my mirror
I cant help but smile
He kissed my boo-boos when I scrapped my knee
See I remember Sundays with my dad 
Eating hot dogs watching football games 
He taught me to love the Lakers 
Hate the Cowboys 
But respect talent
Through his flaws and demons that plagued him 
he taught me the true worth of a man
Held my hand through the worst times in my life
But see it was his words that held me 
From adolescence to adult hood
He smiled at me with pride in his eyes
And I can honestly say my father never told me a lie 
I am my fathers child 
Not because he payed monetary child support 
But because he gave me emotional support and stability 
I Trusted his wisdom 
Whenever he spoke to me 
He was my best friend and my greatest supporter
It wasn’t his sperm that made me his daughter 
It was his heart 
Bigger than the world is round 
So when I see him reflected in my mirror 
I just smile 
His nose, his eyes and his mothers cheeks
His spirit, his heart were passed on to me 
I am the reincarnation of him that he lived to behold
I am my fathers child 
Not because he gave me the best of everything 
But because he gave me the best of him 
And guess what I'm spoiled rotten
Because He said thats how I should be
In his life there was nothing more important than me 
He taught me self worth and to be a woman of integrity
That no man’s love can trump a fathers Love 
I was truly daddy’s little girl
I still am
Tho he rest in heaven I can proudly say
I am my fathers child

Happy Father's Day 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dogs & Fleas

As 2010 comes to a close I think its time that I address something that seems to never get enough light shined on it. I am not an authority on anything I am just a woman who observes and speaks on what she observes.

Looking back over the last twenty years of my life I have come to realize that not all men are dogs and laying down with dogs will get you fleas. I say that to say this "Ladies come on...really its time that we stop trying to punish men for our own BS and realize that the only people we are truly hurting is the innocent..... your children."

I am going to back up and give it to you from the beginning. I have seen too many women use their children as pawns to extort men. Now whether it be time money sex relationship whatever this is probably the most disgusting display I have ever seen from women. I know there are plenty of men who leave their kids all on their own but for every man that leaves on his own there are two that are being kept away for the mothers own selfish reason. Then she turns around and berates him in front of the children and anyone else who will listen.

Now again I am just a woman who observes and speaks on those observations. So don't take my word as gospel its just my thoughts opinions beliefs and views.

In society today we always hear about dead beat dads that aint good for nothing. Which is hilarious to me cause what can a man do to really win this argument. Let's look at it; Suppose the dude doesn't have a job and then goes and get a job at Mc Donald's  and is only making small money. He gives what he can when he can and tries to spend as much time with his kid as he can and the mother says something like..."gone to your little job with your little cant pay no bills round here what I'm supposed to do with that." or "You aint making no real money".

Scenario 2... He doesn't have a job but wants to help anyway he can, until he gets a job. The female response is "you gotta pay to be the boss" or she pull the "Child support card" now he locked up and cant find a job cuz she got him on child support.

Scenario 3....He walk away and don't want to be bothered....Thats the man she chasing. Thats the man she begging to spend time with his kid...blowing up his phone at his house his momma house his auntie house his mansannem house.....never file child support on him....

Now lets look at it from a different perspective. He doesn't want her...but wants to be apart of his child's life...but he cant cuz she uses the child as leverage, to force him to be with her or whatever. Now the dude is forced to chose between his child and his child's mother. Why? because she cant accept that its over. Then resentment settles and now she is trying to get him where it hurts by putting the child support on him relentlessly. Or the likely scenario that if he cant see me then he cant see the kids.

The only people that truly suffer in this is the children. The child is never to be used to coerce a man to do what you want him to do. Why has this behavior become more and more acceptable but not just acceptable but supported and encouraged. Why are we so supportive of the wrongest thing no matter what it is and who is doing it . Why do we encourage women who collect welfare food stamps and medicare that live in public housing and never worked a real job in their lives to get everything they can out of a man cause he had the unfortunate luck to get her pregnant.

I am not saying that some men don't hold any responsibility for their actions. I am simply saying that in these situations where children are used to keep fathers in check is beyond sad. No man should ever have to chose between his child and their mother. What do you gain as a woman by keeping a father away from him child?

I am a woman that has children whose father is not as active as I would like physically or financially but if he calls I don't prevent phone calls. I realize that the relationship between the child and their father has nothing to do with me. Why cant we see beyond ourselves and see what's best for our children.

No man who wants to be in his child's life should have monetary contingencies preventing him from seeing them. Why prevent a father from doing what he can rather than what you want. Relationships are just as important as checks, if not more.

Our children suffer more than the men do. We have to begin to do what's best for our children. As parents we are supposed to forego our needs for those of our children. Its called sacrifice and responsibility but today its all about getting over, and getting as much as possible with as little effort or work as possible.